Before I tell you who I am and how I feel, I’d like to tell you what I’m not: A WRITER.

Well yes, I said it and having said that in the first line itself I feel like I may have made you doubt your decision of coming here. Well, I don’t regret mine. Its been a while since I’ve been feeling this way and after much contemplation and a hell lot of procrastination, decided to pen my feelings (the digital way).

Although being the first kid comes with a lot of benefits, I couldn’t be the only one who thinks it has way more disadvantages. Somehow, being the eldest wasn’t enough, I had to be the more stubborn one, the more atheist one, the more rebellious, the socially awkward, the unkind one. There are times when I pity my parents, that I turned out this way. NO, don’t get me wrong; I like me and I think I’m pretty fine (winks). Its them (especially my mother) who feels sad about it and hence I feel sad that she feels sad for doing such a bad job. That’s too many ‘sad’s in a sentence and apparently it makes me look so good.

What I’ve always heard and have been told is that, a mother ALWAYS loves her child no matter what, I’m sure you must’ve read/heard it too. It may be my overthinking or just my casual power of observing even the tiniest little things, but I have noticed how she despises me. I don’t know where I always go wrong, I am wrong sometimes. But what on earth could I have possibly done to make her feel this way! I have a younger brother and we don't get along that well, any guesses why? Well, because even after misbehaving with my mom, he still gets all the attention and the love and the extra care. 

I'm a VIRGO. And there's a thing about Virgos that I'd like you to know. We care too much for the people we love and would go to any lengths to prove our love, but once we get any hint that the love isn't mutual or the person wants to leave we hold the door fucking open. I don't know why I can't do this with my mom, I don't know why I keep going back; trying to prove my worth to her, to show her I am also capable of her love and not just the eye rolls. I am so tired, so devastated and so clueless. 

Concluding by painting the real picture of my mom : 45-year old, looks 39, long luscious black curls, wonderful cook, cooks everything, experiments with food to satisfy everybody's needs, intellectual, reads, paints, speaks fluent English and sarcasm (probably just with me), talks to you about your boyfriends (I'm Indian), goes shopping with you. Honestly the best mother anybody could ask for. There's literally nothing more that I could ask for, she is perfect. And that is one of the main reasons I can't help, but keep trying to prove I'm worth all of this too. Part of me feels like the reason of her despise is my early, unplanned, unexpected arrival. She had me when she was 23, and this cute, little girl wasn't cute after all because I took away her freedom, her independence, the few good days with her husband were interrupted by my crying and pooping.

Just one question, I just have one question for her : Why didn't you opt for an abortion? Would've been better, I guess!